When Purple Monkeys Become Ninjas
by Kiheada.Ray.T
Summary: Naruto version of my random stories. I'm once again plunged into a new world, this time with Naruto and gang. What chaos can I bring upon these ninjas? Read to find out! This isn't supposed to make sense or have a plot, it's just something to laugh about.
1. Chapter 1: Why Is All But the Rum Gone?

**When Purple Monkeys Become Ninjas**

**Chapter 1: Why Is All But The Rum Gone?**

**Disclaimer:**** I don't own the Naruto gang, I only own the OCs (Me, my friends Nick and Amber, and whoever else I throw in here) I don't own Shinn because he belongs to Gundam Seed but I wish I did because then he would be like this. Insanity totally belongs to me.**

**Warning: This fic contains random musings, which means it won't make much sense and is only for entertainment purposes only, don't flame me just because you think it's stupid because you shouldn't be reading it anyway. Also, this fic is full of sexual content, whether perverted jokes or fan-girl/boy glomping and the like, so beware! No likey, no ready!**

_Okay, the beginning might seem weird because this story is actually part of a series where I'm transported to different worlds and create massive mayhem and destruction with my friends. In my Eragon fic Shinn from GS/D figures out how to work the Swirly Black Hole of DOOM that transports me to the worlds but doesn't tell me because he's a butt hole. Well, that should clear things up for the moment anyways. On with the fic!_

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So once again I'm sitting at my computer, this time reading Naruto fan fictions. Shinn (from Gundam Seed Destiny) still hasn't told me how to work the Swirly Black Hole of DOOM and for that am not allowing him to join me on the soon-to-be journey to the Naruto world….as soon as the stupid thing decides to take me there…..

So I'm waiting and reading until suddenly…YES! THE SWIRLY BLACK HOLE OF DOOM IS HERE! WOOHOO!

I'm spinning around, doing flips, and beating Neo at doing the Matrix as usual when Kunai knives are suddenly flying straight towards me!

"Ahhhh!" I scream and do the most awesome Matrix move the World has ever seen while dodging the knives. Neo unfortunately gets cut into little pieces and so vanishes, but I remain unscratched! Yessss!

"Welcome to the Naruto universe, before you enter this world you are required to complete a tutorial to ready you for the dangers of ninja life. Ready? Begin." A strange female voice announces from somewhere.

"Huh? This has never happened before, what's going on!?" I ask myself. All of a sudden I'm on the ground in a grassy plain and more kunai knives are coming after me.

I scream and run around in circles as they're flying after me when the voice speaks up again: "Dodge by sidestepping the knives."

So…I sidestep the knives and they miss me. HA!

Then there are fireballs coming after me. "Oooooo, fire….." I say and stare at the wonderfulness that is fire.

"Dodge by jumping into the trees above." The voice says again. Now, I'm a very short girl and it becomes even more obvious when I slowly look up into the ginormous tree above me.

"You've got to be kidding me." I say. "Jump!" the voice yells and I jump up and somehow land on the branches of a tree.

"Sweet." I say. But the fireballs start to burn up my tree so I jump to the tree next to it, and then that tree is starting to catch fire so I'm hoping from tree to tree when all of a sudden…..

I'm falling through the sky….and screaming….and falling some more…and waiting for the voice to tell em what to do….

"This ends your tutorial. You are the most powerful ninja in all existence, but use your powers wisely! Enjoy your stay in the Naruto realm." The voice finally says.

"Oooo, sweet, now I get to beat the crap out of Naruto all I want! And Orochimaru (sp?)…the creepy little jerk." I say to myself while still falling.

**WHILE STILL FALING!**

"Woah now! How do I stop this thing!?" I scream and flail about and then suddenly land on something squishy yet painful.

"Owie..." I say and rub my head and my arse. I look around to see….that I've landed on my gay friend Nick and his favorite Naruto character Kiba banging!? OHMIBOB!!!!

"AHHHHH!" I scream.

"AHHHHH!!" Nick screams.

"AHHHHHH!!!" Kiba screams.

"Bark, bark!" Akamaru (sp?) barks.

We all scream some more until Nick finally shuts us up.

"What the hell are you doing here Niki?" Nick yells at me and covers himself up.

"The Swirly Black Hole of DOOM transported me here! How did you get here!?" I ask while covering my eyes.

"Uh…this is in my story…I'm not really sure how I got here really…" he says. He wrote two fanfics about him and Kiba that isn't on this site but at his own website and I've read the first story.

"Okay well, I'm going to run out of here while screeching like a banshee so ya'll can continue whatever you're doing." I say.

"Okay then." Nick replies.

"Oh hey, when you're done would you like to join me in creating massive mayhem and destruction?" I ask.

"Sure." He says.

"Cool, now where's the door?" I ask myself and feel my way out of the room they're in. I also feel my way out of the house as well, my hand still covering my eyes in case they see anything else disturbing lying about.

When I finally get out of the house I see that it's dark outside…either that or I'm blind…"I'M BLIND! NOOOOO!!! CURSE YOU SWIRLY BLACK HOLE OF DOOM!!!! WHY DID YOU MAKE ME BLIND!!??" I scream and run around.

I apparently run through a forest for a while until I bump into someone and hit the ground with a _thud!_

"What's this? Who are you and why is your hand over your eyes?" I hear a creepy voice ask.

"Oh? Oh yeah I had my hand over my eyes so I wouldn't see Kiba and Nick naky!" I say and take my hand off my eyes to see….OROCHIMARU!!??

"AHHH!!! THE CREEPY EVIL SNAKE-MAN!!!! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FREAK-A-LEEK!" I scream and run away again.

"Hey! Get back here girl!" I hear him hiss but I keep running with the wind whipping my hair and eventually come out of the woods into a clearing.

And that's when I see him in all his Sandman glory….Gaara…..

"OHMIBOB GAARA A.K.A MR. SANDMAN!" I squeal and totally glomp him, jumping at him and clinging to his sexy frame while rubbing my cheek against his cheek.

The other two people who are too unimportant for me to know their names gape because no one is supposed to be able to touch the Sandman because of the sand thingy but I CAN!!! SO HA! IN YOUR FACE!

He has this shocked and disturbed look on his face and I let go to grin and stare at him and his sexy red eyeliner and red symbol.

"Hi!" I squeak.

"How did you do that?' he asks.

"Do what?" I ask him back.

"T-touch me…" he replies.

"You mean like this?" I ask and hug him. "You're so warm and huggable! Just as I imagined! Oh Amber will have a fit when she finds out, hehehe…." I say to myself.

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY MAN WOMAN!!!" I hear a familiar voice yell and Amber herself pushes me away and clings to Gaara.

"Mine!" she declared.

"But you said I could have him! WAAAA!!!!" I say and cry.

"No he's mine!" she yells.

"Um, what's going on?" Gaara asks.

"Yeah, and who are you people!?" the girl who usually hangs out with Gaara and the other guy asks.

"My name is Niki and this is my friend Amber. I don't know how she got here but the Swirly Black Hole of DOOM transported me here where I landed on Nick and Kiba banging, which was awkward, and then I ran into the woods to find the Creepy Man Orochimaru so I ran away from him and then found you guys!" I explained.

Everyone except for Amber looked at me like I was crazy, which is totally normal for me to say the least.

"Hey guys! Whatcha doin'!?" I hear an insanely annoying voice call and turn slowly to glare at the blonde-headed dufus named Uzumaki Naruto.

On either side of him is the sexy yet overrated and gay Sasuke and his obsessive fan-girl Sakura.

"Ugh. The idiot has arrived." I growl.

"Go away Naruto! Everyone hates you so go hide in a corner and cry to your mommy!" Amber yells at him.

He stops and starts to cry. "Why are you saying this!? Everyone loves me! Sakura, don't you love me!?" he whines and turns to her. She has a disgusted look on her face and says, "Ew, no, that's gross. I love Sasuke!" and latches onto the dark-haired boy's arm.

"Sasuke, you have to love me, we had sex last night man!" Naruto cries. Sasuke blushes but then looks angry and disgusted, "Ugh no I didn't quit lying you brat!"

"Nooo! Everyone _does _hate me!" Naruto cries and then runs away.

"Nice work guys, and that's a rap." I say sitting in a director's chair with one of those cone-shaped thingys.

"Niki, what are you doing?" Amber asks.

"Eating chocolate." I reply.

"Ooo! Where did you get it!?" she asks.

"A doggie dropped it." I reply grinning.

She looks disgusted but amused and says, "Where'd he drop it?"

"In a sewer." I answer.

The others are all looking grossed out while me and Amber are on the verge of laughing.

"What do you call it then?" she asks.

"DOG MANURE!!!" we both shout and then fall over laughing.

The others are again looking at us like we're crazy but we don't mind at the moment.

"Ah there you guys are. I thought that I should follow Naruto's tears after we saw him crying in a corner." Nick said as he came up with Kiba and his dog.

"Nick!" Amber says and lets go of Gaara to glomp Nick.

The Sandman sighs in relief only to groan again when I hug him and grin.

"Now you're mine! Wahaha! Now I shall take you away! Sasuke can come too since you're cute as well and are obsessed with Gaara anyway." I say and drag both boys off. I mean come on! Remember that episode when Gaara and Sasuke meet and they seem sooo interested in each other!? HELLO! It's so obvious they wanna screw each other!

So I drag them off but Amber sees so yells and comes after me so Nick drags Kiba along as they're all chasing me.

"WEEEEE! THIS IS FUN!" I yell. The boys beside me shrug and run faster, so now _they're_ dragging _me_ and I think I like it…

"O-e-o-e-o-e-o just go my way!" I sing out randomly the theme song.

"There you are! Now give me back my man!" Amber yells when she sees me. "No! Mine!" I yell and grab Gaara's arm, hissing at her.

"No! He's mine!" she yells and tugs at his other arm.

"Uh hello! He's obviously mine!" Sasuke declares and wraps his arms around his chest and pulls him towards him.

"HOW ARE YOU PEOPLE ABLE TO TOUCH ME!?" Gaara screams.

"We're awesome like that now shut up!" Amber and I both yell.

"Oh my goodness! Can't you guys just share?" Nick asks when he walks up to us. WE all look at him, then each other, then Gaara, and then we shrug.

"Okay." We all say. Then Gaara passes out for no reason…or maybe because we cut off the circulation to his body, either way he fell over into my lap…hehehe.

"Quick! Let's take off his clothes and do naughty things to him!" Amber yells. "Yeah!" Sasuke agrees. "No! I wanna draw a mustache on him!" I yell. Everyone looks at me again and I grin sheepishly.

Then they all grab him and start pulling off his clothes. Poor Gaara-kun….

Just then Sakura come in and gasps. "Oh my goodness what are you doing!?" she shrieks.

"Uhhh, taking off Gaara's clothes while he's unconscious." Nick, Amber, and Sasuke answered.

"And drawing on his face!" I exclaim with a marker in my hand and a half-finished mustache on Gaara's smexy face.

"At least it's not me this time." I hear a voice.

"NOOOO YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE! I BANNED YOU FROM THIS ONE!!! CURSE YOU SWIRLY BLACK HOLE OF DOOM!!!" I screech and tackle Shinn.

"Hey! It's not my fault, really! I was running away from Kiei when the Swirly thingy sucked me up and then spit me out here! I asked Sakura if you were here and then she led me here…ooo…who's the hunksicle??" Shinn asks and stares at the almost-naked Gaara.

"MINE!" Me, Amber, and Sasuke all yell.

"Darnit! I never get anyone!" Shinn whines.

"You can have Naruto or Orochimaru." I say and laugh with the others.

"Nooooo! They're icky." He says.

"Oh, Nick, this is my best friend Shinn, he's bisexual and horny 24/7! I thought you would like him." I say to my gay friend.

"Oh yes! Black hair and red eyes, are you kidding me!? But I already have Kiba…." Nick says.

"You can have both, he won't mind." I say.

"Hey!" Shinn exclaims.

"Uchiha Sasuke! Get your gay butt over here now!" Sasuke's big brother (crap I forgot his name oh no!) yells.

Just then Shinn's eyes turn to hearts and he glomps him.

"YOU'RE SO SEXY SLEEP WITH ME!!!" he screams.

"Uh, sure, just let me get my little brother okay?" he says.

"Okay!" Shinn replies and gets off of him.

"NOOOO!! Don't touch me you freak!" Sasuke cries and tries to get away but the other Uchiha grabs him and drags him away.

"Bye, I'ma go screw a sexy Ish!" Shinn says and runs after them.

We're all just sitting there staring at each other when all of a sudden…

"Wha? Where are my clothes? What's going on?" Gaara asks.

We all sweat drop and turn to see him getting up and then glaring at us.

"RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!" I scream and we all run out of the cave we were in as he turns into the sand monster thing and starts chasing us.

Thus the beginning of my stay here in the Naruto universe. So far, so good….AHHHHH HE'S GONNA EAT ME!!!!!

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**-Author's Note: Yeah kinda weird and stupid but hopefully somewhat funny. Please tell me what you think! This is my first Naruto fanfic but I've done others so feel free to check them out! Peace!-**


	2. Chapter 2: me Thinks I Shall Divide

**Chapter 2: Me Thinks I Shall Divide**

**Disclaimer:**** I only own the OCs and my insanity.**

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"AHHH!! HE'S GONNA EAT ME!!!!" I scream while being chased by the outraged-but-still-sexy-Gaara.

"Hey look! A mysterious cave that's totally obvious! Let's hide in there!" Amber yells.

"But he might find us! Hey…wait a second…isn't that the Akatsuki's hideout?" Sakura asks and pauses.

"Who cares I just don't want Gaara to eat me!!!" Amber yells and drags her away.

As us three girls run into the cave…wait, where did Nick and Kiba go? Oh, wait…I probably don't want to know…hey I rhymed!

"Oooo, pretty colors…" I say and stare with my mouth half-open at the Akatsuki's lair decorations as they all stare at us like we're crazy.

"OH MY GOSH IT'S SASORI!!! I WANT TO BE ONE OF YOUR PUPPETS!!" Amber screams and clutches the red-haired Puppet Master.

I knock myself out of my staring and glomp him as well. "NO!! I WANNA BE ONE OF HIS PUPPETS!!!" I yell and claw at her; we end up on the floor, entangled in each other, with our hands wrapped around each other's throats while screaming blooding murder (me and my friends actually did this a few times…yes, we're crazy).

"BLOODY MURDER!!!" I scream maniacally while strangling my friend.

Major sweatdrops galore!

"Uh…who are you and what are you doing here?" The Pein asks.

"We were running away from Gaara because he got mad at us because they were trying to do naughty things to him but I only drew on his face so I don't know why he got so mad at me I mean I didn't do anything and-," I ramble but Amber puts a hand over my mouth to silence me.

"Shut up!" she yells and pulls me up.

"Hiya! I'm Amber and this is Niki and this is Sakura and WE LOVE YOU!" she announces and then takes out a bucket of "I Am Loved" pins and starts throwing them at everyone.

"MY EYE!" I scream and clutch at my bloodied eye. I start flailing and running around until I hit the wail and fall over with those swirly thingys in my eyes.

"Oh calm down, it's just ketchup!" Amber tells me and helps me up.

"Uh, guys, I think they're angry…" Sakura points out the obvious as we see a bunch of ninjas wearing black trench-coats with red clouds glaring at us with "I Am Loved" pins sticking out of them.

"Awww, they look so cute with their red clouds." I say with a kitty face.

"Awww, you're right they do!" Amber says and we start pinching their cheeks and giggling like school girls…

Sakura face-palms and sighs. Sasori sidles up to her while whistling as the little strings start coming out of his body towards her.

She screams and starts running around while his strings start chasing her and we're still pinching the Akatsuki's faces.

"Stop it! We are powerful ninjas and I have a mouth on my hand that will bite your face off!!!" Deidara shouts and pulls back his sleeve to reveal his hand.

"AHHH!!! HIS HAND IS GOING TO RIP MY FACE OFF!!! TO THE BAT CAVE AMBER!!" I scream and run around in a circle.

"BUT WE'RE IN THE BAT CAVE! I DON'T WANNA DIE! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!!" she screams as well and joins me.

More sweatdrops (I think by now they realize that we're not normal…).

"What the bleep is all that racket!? I'm trying to get laid here!" Itachi (wahaha I remembered his name this time!) yells as he barges into the room with no shirt on.

Amber and I stop running around and screaming, glance at each other, and then tackle-glomp Itachi.

"Oof!" he manages to get out. The other ninjas all start to snigger until they burst into all-out laughter.

"Uh, a little help here guys." He says and tries to rip us off of him.

Sakura screams and runs by us.

Deidara stumbles out into the room and tackles her, covering her mouth with his hand.

"Stop screaming woman! Geez!!!" he yells at her and she looks confused.

"Oh thanks, Deidara." Sasori says and then drags Sakura away into a room…to MAKE HER INTO A PUPPET!!! NOOOOO!! I WANTED TO BE A PUPPET!!!! PULL MY STRINGS!!!!!

"STOP SCREAMING IN MY EAR!!!" Itachi yells and I fall over, dazed by his high-pitched yelling right in my ear.

"I think you broke her ears…" Amber says and then shrugs. "Oh well, more for me!" she says and snuggles Itachi who is glaring at her.

"Well, it appears that three girls have stumbled upon our hideout, boys, what should we do to-I mean-about them?" the leader asks.

They all get evil looks that I feel uncomfyble about and I cling to Amber who also notices the wicked grins and clings back.

"Uhhh, anyone up for a card game?" I ask.

"Or hide-and-seek!?" Amber shouts.

"THAT WAS MY OTHER EAR!!!!" I scream at her and this time _she_ falls over dazed. HA!

"Hide-and-seek? OOO! I wanna play that! It sounds fun!" Deidara says and starts jumping up and down.

"Can I join?" we hear a creepy voice ask and turn to see Orochimaru standing there with a creepy look on his face.

"NO!" everyone shouts so he pouts and trudges off.

"Sister, he creeps me out." I say and cling to Amber.

"What are you talking about? HE'S HOT!" she says and I glare at her. "Ooo! We should show them our little acts!" she suggests.

"Okay!" I say and we scramble up off the floor.

"Okay, we'll start with me being Gaara and you being Tamari." She says and I nod and suddenly we're wearing their outfits.

Somewhere…Gaara squeals and covers his now-completely-naked-frame while Tamari screams and grabs someone's cloak to cover herself…hehehehe…

The Akatsuki sit down to watch our little show.

"I'M A HOT TAMALE 'CAUSE I AM TAMARI!!!" I yell and Amber/Gaara shakes her head.

"Will you stop saying that little-big-sister?" she says.

"Okay…" I say and pout.

"Alright, now I'll be Itachi while you be Sasuke." Amber says and Itachi uses Zetsu to cover him as we change into their clothes. Somewhere in the Akatsuki's lair we hear a high-pitched girly-scream.

"Hey Sasuke! Get your gay-butt out here! These two chicks are pretending to be us!" Itachi yells and Sasuke stumbles out mumbling about his clothes suddenly disappearing while wearing one of Itachi's extra robes.

"Everybody hates me!" I/Sasuke yell and pretend to cut my arm.

"Stop it Sasuke!" Amber/Itachi shouts and tries to stop me.

"No touchy! You molested me when I was little!! NOOOO!!!" I/Sasuke yell again.

The two Uchihas blush and glance at each other awkwardly, while the other Akatsuki members are laughing wildly.

"Okay Sasuke, I'm going to murder the Uchiha clan tonight." Amber/Itachi tells me/Sasuke with her hands on my shoulders.

"Woot! Party at Gaara's house!" I/Sasuke say and start dancing around.

"Now, remember to act surprised when you find out I murdered our family, okay?" Amber/Sasuke says.

"Like we practiced?" I/Sasuke ask.

"Yes, just like we practiced, now goodbye brother, we shall never meet again." Amber/Sasuke says and then walks away while I/Sasuke sink to my knees while yelling "NOOOOO!!!!!" dramatically.

The Akatsuki members are all crying and sniffling and we get up and bow.

Then Amber stands facing away from me and I come up beside her and say, "Itachi, Itachi, Itachi, Itachi, nii-san, nii-san, nii-san, nii-san, nii-chan, nii-chan, nii-chan, nii-chan, weasel, weasel, weasel, weasel, Itachi, Itachi, Itachi, Itachi, WEEEAAASEEL!!!" (The last weasel is said strangely, you have to watch the Youtube video)

Amber turns around and yells, "For God's sake Sasuke what!?"

I/Sasuke smile and say, "Hi." while waving and Amber/Itachi deadpans.

"Hey Sasuke, let's do some 'experimenting'." Amber/Itachi says to me/Sasuke.

"Okay!" I/Sasuke says and we go into a "closet".

"Now, pull down your pants." Amber/Itachi says.

"Okay." I/Sasuke say and pretend to pull down my pants. Then Amber/Itachi attacks me/Sasuke and dry-humps me.

"That was fun 'experimenting' brother, we should do it again!" I/Sasuke say afterwards. (We have a ton of Itachi and Sasuke acts, GO BROTHERLY LOVE!!!!)

"Now for our last act, I'm Sasori while you are Raven…hey, where's Ashley? We need her for this one." Amber says.

"Oh yeah, we do." I say and then our friend comes falling out of the sky and on top of Deidara who is on the floor laughing and crying.

"Woah! What just happened? Amber, Niki? Where are we? OH MY GOSH IS THAT ITACHI!?" Ashley asks and tries to glomp him but Amber and I tackle her.

"We're performing our Puppet act for the Akatsuki!" Amber tells her.

"Oh, okay then!" She says and Amber's clothes change to that of Sasori's while Ashley and I transform into puppets.

Sasori runs out in his puppet form with just some shorts on and Deidara drags him down into his lap.

Ashley and I face each other, her being Crow while I'm Raven. We pull the skin underneath our eyelids down and stick out our tongue at each other and Amber/Sasori comes up.

"Hey! What are you two doing?" she asks and crosses her arms.

"You love me better!" I say and glomp her.

"Nuh-uh! He loves _me_ better!" Ashley says and glomps Amber as well.

"I love you both equally!" Amber yells and then Ashley and I tackle each other and try to strangle each other while screaming Bloody Murder again (like I said, we do this a lot).

"Stop it! Both of you!" Amber says and pulls us apart by our attached strings.

"Now make up and be friends!" Amber commands and we edge towards one another, glaring.

We shake hands but still glare and then we turn and bow.

"That's our show thank you very much!" we say and the Akatsuki clap and whistle.

Suddenly, a young boy comes running in with long black hair kept in a braid. His silver eyes are wide with surprise as he takes in the scene but he quickly recovers his shock.

He clears his throat and states: "Hi, I'm Akira and I'm going to burn you all to a nice black crisp because I have nothing else better to do!" and takes out a flame-thrower.

He points it at Zetsu because he's closest and says, "DIE VENUS FLY TRAP THINGY!" and sets the poor plant-dude aflame.

"Ooooo, fire……" I say and stare as Akira makes chaos reign all over the Akatsuki lair.

"He's going to kill us! Run!" Amber yells and drags me away with Ashley who's screaming.

Akira stops at Deidara and says, "Oh, I like your art. NOW BURN!"

"EVERYBODY RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" someone shouts.

"Ah, some normalcy at last!" I sigh as I'm being dragged away….wait a second….

I get out of Amber's grip and run towards the newcomer. His back is to me so he doesn't see me as I leap into the air and pounce on him like a rabid monkey.

"ACK!" he shouts and falls face-first. I grab his flame-thrower and start laughing maniacally.

"WAHAHA! NOW YOU'RE ALL DOOOOOOOMED!!!!!!" I scream and do my victory dance while standing on his back.

"Hey! Gimme back my flame-thrower!" Akira yells at me.

"NEVAH! AWAY!" I say and sprout wings and fly away into the air….except I'm still in the cave so I hit the ceiling and fall down……oooo….swirlies…….

"Oh boy." Amber says and sweatdrops, standing over me.

"THE BIRDS ARE BACK!!!!" I scream and wave my arms around wildly.

"Yep, she's out." She says and everyone gets out black markers…..

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**-Author's note: hey look I updated! Yay! Congrats to our newest member, Akira! He'll be appearing in the next chappies, and so can you! Just put a description of yourself and a few things about the Naruto universe you like and whatnot and I'll put you in to create massive mayhem and destruction! YAY FOR COMRADES IN CHAOS! Ahem, or you could just tell me what you think and such…that would be fine…PEACE OUT!-**


	3. Chapter 3: It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time

**Chapter 3: It's Peanut Butter jelly Time!**

**Disclaimer:**** I only own myself, Amber owns herself, Ashley owns herself, and Akira owns HERself….yeah…to clear things up Akira is a girl…I'll explain in the ficcy….I'm retarded -bangs head against wall-**

**Amber: There, there, we're all retarded -patting my back-**

**Ashley: Hey! I'm not a retard!**

**Akira: Yeah, neither am I…I'm just random…**

**Me: Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that everyone's name starts with an A besides me???**

**Amber: Oh yeah! Uhhh…ON WITH THE FIC!**

**Me: THAT'S MY LINE!**

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So I wake up to people snickering (again with the Snicker's bars!!! That's it! -Grabs a Snickers bar from fridge-) and rise to see everyone there.

I blink.

"Look, she's awake!" Amber yells and points at me. My eyes widen and everyone starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" I ask. Ashley hands me a mirror and I see a crazed-looking girl with ridiculous black marker drawings all over her face.

"Who's this weirdo?" I ask, and as my mouth moves so does the other girl's.

"Hey! She's mimicking me!" I say and watch as her lips match mine again.

Everyone is laughing harder, some rolling on the floor, others clutching their stomachs, Sasori got up and ran to the bathroom.

"Niki, that's you, you're holding a mirror." Ashley tells me.

I give her a strange look. "What are you talking about? Of course it's a mirror! Now gimme a wet rag so I can clean my face you Loony Toons!" I say and a wet rag is thrown at me by Itachi.

"Man, this suit is getting hot!" Akira exclaims and clutches an oddly placed zipper near his neck and pulls down revealing a girl's figure.

"Ah, that feels better. I always like to make my entrance as a guy just to confuse people." She explains as everyone gapes at her.

"You know, you remind me of me." I say.

"Really?" she asks.

"Yep…..and donuts…." I reply, chewing on my Snickers bar.

There's silence for a moment until…

"I'm bored….ENTERTAIN ME!!!!!" I scream.

"Uh, well, we gotta go kill some people." Pein says.

"It's the potatoes, isn't it?" I ask.

"Eh?"

"PENIS!" Amber randomly screams.

"Amber! Not around the children!" I yell while covering Sasuke's ears.

"Let go of me you psycho!" he yells.

"Let's go bother more people!" Ashley says and so we leave the Akatsuki lair.

While we're walking down the middle of a dirt road I stop and look around. Amber and Ashley stop ahead of me and turn to stare at em oddly.

"Why'd you stop? What's wrong?" they ask.

"Where's Sakura?" I ask.

* * *

**In the lair…**

"Wahaha! Doesn't she make a pretty puppet?" Sasori asks Diedara.

"Not as pretty as me!" he exclaims.

"SASUKE!!!!!!" Sakura yells and pulls at the strings.

* * *

**Back with us…**

"Ah, she's probably annoying Sasuke or something. Come on, we gotta find Hidan!" Amber says and we continue forward.

"Skipping through a field of pretty daisies!" I sing while torching the flowers in my path with Akira's flamethrower.

"Gimme back my flamethrower!!!" Akira whines.

"No Death, it is mine now, WAHAHAHAHA!!!" I say.

"Fine then." She says and gets out a spiky metal baseball bat and carries it on her shoulder while whistling.

I stop and stare at the beautiful weapon of mass destruction.

"You want it?" she asks, waving it in my face.

"GIMME!!!" I scream.

"Fetch!" she yells and throws it and I run after it like a dog. On my way I bump into Kiba who looks at me oddly since he's the only ninja who gets to walk around on all fours.

I have the baseball bat in my mouth (despite the metal spikes) and trot back with him following.

"Niki, you're going to tear up your mouth if you keep doing that." Ashley tells me so I take it out.

"So Kiba, where's Nick?" I ask him (back on two feet).

"Oh somewhere, last thing I remember he was strangling Naruto again so I went into the woods to pee." He says and shrugs.

………………….

Akira throws a rubber chicken at him and so we laugh, high-five, and run away.

"Hey! Let's find Orochimaru's lair so we can torture him and Kabuto!" Amber exclaims and so we run around in circles until we decide on a random direction…..which is the direction we were going in the first place….

So we arrive at Orochimaru's lair and his pet with glasses is sitting there looking sad so we sneak up behind him.

"ATTACK OF THE PSYCHO NINJAZ!" I scream and we all attack him.

"AHHHHHH!!!!!!" he screams like a girl and gets tackled.

"Aha! I broketh your glasses! What say you to that?" I ask, holding the broken glasses.

Everyone looks at me strangely so I sweat-drop and hand him back his glasses.

"So why are you so sad?" Akira asks him.

"Orochimaru doesn't love me anymore, he's after Sasuke now." He says sadly.

"You mean The Gayness?" she asks.

"Poor Sasuke, the ninja Michael Jackson has a crush on him!" I say.

"Oh please, we all know he likes it." She replies.

"Cuz I's a jelly fish!" Ashley squeaks.

"No you're not." I tell her.

"Yes I am." She says.

"No you're not." I say.

"Yes I am." She says.

"No you're not." I say.

"Yes I am." She says.

"Yes you are." I say.

"No I'm not." She says.

"Yes you are." I say.

"No I'm- hey!" she says and we all laugh.

Kabuto is trying to sneak off but Amber glomps him.

"You know, I never really liked you. Would you like to meet my little friend?" I say and pull out the spiky metal baseball bat.

"Uhhh, no thank you…." She stammers.

"Too bad!" I say and start bashing him into little pieces.

Akira is eating popcorn while Amber is raiding Orochimaru's closet and Ashley is cheering me on.

"Okay I'm bored now, let's go." I say and we walk away leaving a bloodied and mutilated form lying on the ground.

"Man, I'm really hungry, let's go to Burger King." I say and we drive up to the Burger King drive-through (where did we get a car?).

"Uh hello, I'd like to order one whopper," I say.

"And then?" the lady replies.

"A junior deluxe cheeseburger," I add.

"And then?" she replies again.

"Two medium fries,"

"And then?"

"Three small chocolate shakes,"

"And then?"

"A medium coke,"

"And then?"

"A grilled chicken sandwich,"

"And then?"

"And a deluxe hamburger." I finish.

"And then?" she asks again.

"That's it." I say.

"And then?" she asks.

"No and then, nothing else." I tell her.

"And then?"

"Look, I just want the whopper, the junior deluxe cheeseburger, the chicken sandwich, the deluxe hamburger, the three shakes, and the medium coke." I tell her.

"Don't forget the two medium fries." Ashley reminds me.

"Oh yeah, and the two medium fries." I add.

"And then?" she asks again.

"And then you can stick it in a bag and hand it to me." I say, getting irritated.

"Annnnd theeeen?"

"I refuse to play your creepy English mind games!" I say.

"And then?"

"NO! NO AND THEN!" I scream

"AND THEN!"

"NO AND THEN!"

"AND THEN!"

"NO AND THEN!"

"AND THEN!"

"No! No and then!"

"And then?"

"You're making me very angry, and you will not like me when I'm angry!" I yell.

"Annnnnd theeeen?"

I chuckle. "And then, I'ma come in there and put MY FOOT UP YOUR TUSHKA IF YOU SAY 'AND THEN' ONE MORE TIME!" I scream.

There's silence and I smirk, thinking that I have won until…

"AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN!!!!"

"DAAAAAA!!!!!" I scream and bash the talking device with the baseball bat.

"$10.99 please drive around."

So I drive around and guess who happens to be at the window?

"SASUKE!!!" we all shout.

"Da, na na na, da, na na na, da, na na na, da, na na na, DA, NA NA NA, DA, NA NA NA, DA, NA NANA, DA, NA NA NA! I work at Burger King making flame-broiled whoppers, I wear paper hat. Would you like an apple pie with that? Would you like an apple pie with that? Ding, fries are done. Ding, fries are done. Ding, fries are done. Ding, fries are done. I gotta run! I gotta run! I gotta run! I gotta run! Don't bob for fires in hot fat, it really hurt bad and so does skin graft. Would you like an apple pie with that? Would you like an apple pie with that? Where is the bell? Wait for the bell. Can't eat the bell. Where is the bell? Ding, fries are done. Ding, fries are done. Ding, fries are done. Ding, fries are done. I work at Burger King making flame-broiled whoppers, I wear paper hat. Would you like an apple pie with that? Would you like an apple pie with that? Ding, fries are done. Ding, fries are done. Ding, fries are done. Ding, fries are dooonnneeeee." He sings while handing us the bags and throwing apple pies at us.

"Uh, Orochimaru is looking for you." I tell him.

He screams like a girl and runs.

"I knew it!" Akira exclaims.

"Knew what?" Amber asks.

"I KNEW HE WAS A GIRL!!!!" she screams.

Amber and I sweat-drop because I'm the girl version of Sasuke and she's the girl version of Itachi.

"Alright gang, let's dig in." I say and go to take a bite into my junior deluxe cheeseburger but then Naruto grabs it and eats it.

Then everything goes black.

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**-Author's Note: Wahaha! Please review and tell me what you think, I might update in the next century or so! Peace out!**

**Oh, and for the "And then?" conversation and the Burger King song refer to YOUTUBE!!!!-**


	4. Chapter 4: Oh The King Cried Oh!

**Chapter 4: Oh The King Cried Oh!**

**Disclaimer:**** So the title actually belongs to a song I'm singing in chorus, but technically I don't own it, nor do I own anything of the Naruto universe. The OC people I do own since they consist of myself and my friends. Anything crazy that happens or is OOC can be blamed on me (smiles wide with eyes closed).**

_One little note: Shinn will not be returning, and there will be no Kiei. This is just for personal reasons, I forgot to mention it in the last chapter so I figured I might end a bit of confusion from the first chapter when Shinn shows up and goes off with Itachi. Also I know a lot more about the series now and so should be able to do better with names and such. Sorry for the long wait, I've been busy._

* * *

I wake up in the middle of a burning down village, black smoke rising up into the gray sky. I sit up and take in more of my surroundings.

"Oops, did I do that?" I say like Steve Urkel.

"Yeah, Naruto ate your burger so you went psycho and started attacking him, so then we tried to stop you but you kept attacking everyone and roaring like a monster. Gaara tried to join in the destruction but Temari and Kankuro wouldn't let him because that would make things worse, but I think he likes you now that he's not the only homicidal maniac on the loose." Amber tells me.

"Did I kill Naruto?" I ask, trying to hide a grin.

"Unfortunately yes, and now the TV producers are hiring assassins to kill you." She says cheerily.

"That's all? SWEET! NARUTO IS DEEEAAAD! NARUTO IS DEEAAAD!" I chant and dance around.

"Darn it! I wanted to do that!" Akira exclaims and throws a bird on the ground and starts stomping on it.

"Hey! That's my art you're destroying! ONLY I GET TO DESTROY MY ART!!!" Diedara yells and flails about.

"Don't worry Death; you can kill Sasuke if he kills Itachi." I say while still doing my victory dance.

"Oh ok, I'm good." She replies and hands Diedara his bird back. The Akatsuki with mouths on his hands who likes to blow things up looks at his mutilated bird and starts sobbing so Sasori holds him and rocks him back and forth while singing a lullaby.

Sakura runs by while screaming, strings hanging from her and flapping in the breeze as she runs. Sasori's eye twitches and he grabs a loose string and yanks on it, making Sakura fall on her arse with swirls in her eyes.

"So uh….I'm really hungry guys."

Everyone falls down and starts twitching so I get a stick and start poking Amber.

"Wait, where's Ashley? Never mind, I don't care." I say to myself and continue poking people.

After a while I get bored so skip off after finding the trusty flamethrower. Yay flamethrower!

"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, deedlydee, there they are a-standing in a row, bum, bum, bum, big ones, small ones, some as big as your head!" I sing while skipping along, burning anything still alive.

"I feel like Sasuke! Fire Jutsu!" I yell and set fire to a tree while holding the flame-thrower to my mouth to make it look like I'm breathing fire.

"Okay now I'm getting bored with destroying everything. Hmmm…where is everybody?" I ask myself and look around. I shrug and hop into a tree. "I'll just wait for someone to walk by so I can bother them."

After a minute I start singing, "When you see my face, I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell!" (Don't own)

Itachi walks by and looks up at the tree, eyebrows raised. "What are you doing?" he asks.

I start dancing and say, "Nothing, just waiting for someone to come by so I can bother them."

He gives me a weird look, shrugs, and then keeps walking.

Just then my light bulb comes on. "Mr. Lightbulb! I found you!" I exclaim as I take the light bulb off of my head and snuggle it, burning my hands and face.

"YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GO AFTER ITACHI!!! DO IT!!!" the light bulb screams so I drop it and it breaks and I hop down and run after Itachi.

"Wait!! You're someone I can bother!!!" I yell and tackle him.

"Leave me alone!! I must capture Naruto!" he yells and tries to get me off.

"Uh, Naruto is dead. I killed him. Hehe." I say and grin.

"You _what_!?" he yells and looks at me in shock.

"Well he ate my burger! After I had to listen to Sasuke sing the Burger King Song and some crazy old lady play mind games with me! I was hungry!!" I explain with a crazed look.

"Oh whatever, I'm really after Sasuke anyway." He replies.

"Yeah everyone knows." I say nonchalantly.

"What do you mean?" he asks, giving me a suspicious look.

"Hey, you wanna see my impression of Gaara?" I ask.

"Not really-," he begins but I do it anyway.

I put my hand in front of me like I was trying to stop someone and sing, "Stop, hold it right there, this is my don't touch me square!" and make a rectangle around my body. "Dun, dun na na, dun na, dun na, Can't touch this! Dun, dun na na, dun na, dun na, Can't touch this!" I dance.

As I dance around in a circle I find that Itachi has fled and in his place is…. (Drum roll please)……….what was I doing? Oh yeah…… (MORE DRUM ROLL!!!!)…. GAARA!!!

And he doesn't look happy, eh heh…..

He stands there with his arms crossed and his signature "You have two seconds to flee before I kill you" look so I do what I would normally do in this situation.

"GAARA-KUN!" I exclaim and glomp him, then jump back and point at his face. "Aha! Yet again I escape the sand!"

He raises one eyebrow and gives a sexy grin…or is it devious??? Oh who cares!? "Oh really?" he asks in his husky and sensual voice (Liam…I love you…you can talk Gaara to me anytime) and a big huge mound of sand falls on top of me so I fall to the ground and start twitching.

He's smirking as I stagger up and cough up sand. I shake myself and go to tackle him when I notice something…

"THERE'S SAND IN MY PANTS!!! IT'S IN PLACES IT SHOULDN'T BE!!!" I screech and start jumping up and down and shaking my clothes to get the sand out.

Gaara is unsure whether to laugh or walk away so he just stands there looking at me like I'm an idiot. Which I am…but I'm a Ninja Idiot…there's a difference. Ninja Idiots still have kunai (wahahaha…).

"Bad Gaara! We do _not_ know each other that well!" I scream and point at him. He blushes as his eyes widen.

"Oh my, did Gaara do something bad again?" Temari asks as she appears out of nowhere.

"There's sand in my pants!!! And my shirt! It feels weird!!!" I yell.

She gasps and glares at Gaara. "I didn't know you started going through puberty!"

"Puberty? He's passed that point, Hun." I say and wink at the sexy but evil sand ninja in front of me who looks thoroughly confused. Temari gapes at us while Gaara's face goes as red as his hair.

"What's all the commotion?" Kankuro asks as he also appears.

"Gaara did something bad!!!" Temari says as if she's whining to a parent.

Gaara face-palms while I'm rolling on the floor laughing.

"What? Did he make this girl go crazy or something?" Kankuro asks and looks at me oddly.

"Oh, I think she was crazy before she got here. But no, he…" she leans in and whispers in his ear and he starts laughing raucously and pats his back.

"Great job little brother! I knew you'd be a lady-killer!"

"Kankuro if you don't shut up I'm going to kill you." Gaara says.

"Woah, take it easy!" Kankuro replies.

"Oh wow, you guys are great. Come on Gaara, let's go create more destruction! YAY DESTRUCTION!" I say and grab his hand while running off.

So we're running around while holding hands and causing chaos, smiling at each other the whole way as if we found our soul mates. Which we did. You hear that? Gaara is MINE. Wahaha Amber I win.

"No you don't! He's mine!" she yells.

"You have Hidan! Go torture him or something!" I shout at her.

"Okay!" she replies and goes off to torture the masochist. Good luck with that, by the way.

All of a sudden we see Lee and Sasuke training…except Lee is in a mini-skirt and Sasuke has a Klondike Bar in his hand. Weird. (1)

"Wow, Lee looks dead sexy in a miniskirt." Gaara says. I gape at him and he shrugs.

"What? I can be bisexual. LOVE ME!" he yells.

"Okey-dokey!" I say and hug him. "What would you do for a Klondike Bar?" I ask him.

"Hmmm, I think I would kill Sasuke Uchiha for a Klondike Bar." He replies.

"Uhh Akira actually wants to kill Sasuke so I guess no Klondike Bar for you." I tell him and he pouts.

"Oh my Bob, SHOES!" he randomly yells and steals some girls shoes. "I got these for you. LOVE ME!" he says and hands me the shoes.

"Cool!" I say and take off my ninja shoes, throw them at Lee's head, then put on the cute black boots Gaara just gave me.

"Hey man! You can't just take those girls' shoes! Give them back!" Kenny from South Park (no owns) says.

"SAND COFFIN!" Gaara says and Kenny goes splat. Yay splat.

"Oh my Bob, I killed Kenny. I am a bastard. But I'm learning." He says.

"Awww, you're so cute! Don't worry, Kenny dies in like every episode. They don't miss him." I say.

"Oh no! You just killed some random fat kid for no reason! You're a monster!" Lee says.

"Believe it." Gaara replies and I huggle him.

"Did you just say what I think you just said?" Sasuke asks.

"Believe it." Gaara replies.

"I can't believe you just said that."

"Believe it."

"But that's Naruto's line!"

"Believe it."

"He's annoying!"

"Believe it."

"And dead." I pipe up.

"What? No way!" Lee says.

"Believe it."

"No! It is not true! Naruto can't be dead!" Lee shouts.

"Believe it."

"But we were supposed to have sex- I mean train- with each other tonight!"

…..cricket, cricket….

"Believe it."

"There you are Niki! We've been looking all over for you!!" Akira says as she runs up to me. Amber and Ashley are with her.

"Dude you missed it." I tell them.

"Missed what?" they ask in unison.

"Gaara keeps saying all these funny things! He even said Lee looks dead sexy in a miniskirt!" I gush and giggle.

"No way!" Ashley exclaims.

"Hey, didn't I show you that picture? And you thought I was lying." Amber says and "Humph!"s.

"He actually said that?" Akira asked, glancing at Gaara and Lee.

"Believe it." Gaara says.

"Isn't that Naruto's line?" Ashley asks.

"Believe it."

"Isn't he cute!?" I ask and he looks at them all crazy with his face peeling off.

"Uh, yeah sure, we'll just be over here…" Amber says and drags the other girls away.

"Well…I still think you're cute Gaara-kun! And so does Sasuke…" I tell him.

"Eh?" both boys reply.

"What, you think I can't tell? Oh come on, the first time you two meet Sasuke is all like, 'Hey you! Yeah you with the sexy red hair! You, me, my place, tonight!' and Gaara is all, 'Okay then.' But then Sakura comes up and is like, 'Oh no, are you going to fight?' and Sasuke says, 'We're going to fight alright, SWORD FIGHT!' and everyone laughs besides Sakura who says, 'But you don't have swords.' And Gaara says, 'Yes we do, wanna see?' and yeah…..Gaara-kun why are you looking at me like that? Sasuke-kun how come your curse seal is activated?" I ask as the two boys glare at me.

"AMBER!!! WAIT UP FOR MEEEEEE!!!!!! GAARA'S TRYING TO EAT ME AGAIN AND SASUKE'S GONE EEEVIIIILLLL!!!!"

"SAND COFFIN!" Gaara yells and I laugh as the sand makes me explode, but I actually don't explode.

"SAND BURIAL!" he tries to attack me again but nothing happens.

"SANDWICH!" he yells and a sandwich lands in front of me.

"Oh look food!" I say and gobble up the sandwich.

"Niki look out!" Nick yells randomly from the bushes.

"Eh?" is all I get to say before….aww crap…MORE SAND IS IN MY PANTS!!!! SASUKE GET YOUR HAND OFFA ME!!!

And the crowd goes, "Ooo!" "Ow!" "Ohhhhh" "Ouch!" "Ssssssss!" and other random crap.

I lay on the ground twitching with my arms and legs twisted up in odd angles. Gaara and Sasuke are shaking hands when Sakura walks by and Gaara slaps her butt. She gasps and starts running and he chases her.

"I LOVE VAGINA!" (2)

* * *

**-Author's Note: I'm going to stop here for my sanity. In case you haven't noticed I'm on a Gaara Obsession…yeah…dunno if you noticed….you'll kinda have to squint to see it…I was trying to be subtle…ANYWAY! Please review and tell me what you think m'kay? SASUXGAARA!!!! (Coughs) sorry that kinda slipped out…but seriously did anyone notice when they first met they were all…I think I already said this didn't I?**

**(1) The stuff when Gaara says all the random crap like "Lee looks dead sexy in a miniskirt." "I would kill Sasuke Uchiha for a Klondike Bar." "Oh my Bob, SHOES!" "Believe it." "Oh my Bob I killed Kenny…" and such come from YouTube where the voice actors have to do random lines that fans ask them to do. It's funny. Just type in Gaara thinks Lee is sexy or something. I put Bob instead of God because I don't like to take the Lord's name in vain.**

**(2) At the very end of this where Gaara smacks Sakura's butt and says "I LOVE VAGINA" is also from a YouTube video. Type in Gaara chooses Vagina or something and you'll see it. I don't own any of these but I thank all the people who do because they're awesome!!!**

**I think I own the rest…except the sandwich thing…that was from the voice actors…the other crap I made up throughout the week…yeah…PEACE OUT! "Mr. Sandman? (Gaara: Yes?) Bring me a dream, bum, bum, bum, bum, make him the cutest that I've ever seen…."-**


End file.
